What? Are you mad? Why ever would we be in any way culpable with the Duchess of Sussex’s tabloid lynching? That’s preposterous…. Just as absurd as the notion that we are very much a racist family…. What marvellous pantomime this!

Okay, get the kids; we have to reshoot this thing; sorry but we don’t need your mousy voiceovers or ubiquitous bitching, just let’s go for the pre-talkies approach… Do the manic gurning and just make sure that you remember, you are roasting the marshmallows not each other… avoid the urge to shove the other into the fire. You know what, let’s play it safe; let’s get a second bale of hay, please. Remember, let’s show those Yanks that TV has nothing on the theatre that is our royal pantomime.

Take it from Sweet Brown, if it ain’t sublime theatre… never mind; ain’t nobody got time for artifice.

As ever, life is like a flying dream; if you look down, you’re fucked. Enjoy the ride and fear no one!

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